One issue is that there will be a specific timeframe in which I have to get this done. The other problem is that I have not come across any accessible study guides. There is one you can do online, but I am unclear if it is accessible and the cost is a bit more than I can manage, $149 a month.

The only option that I can figure out is to have sighted people read stuff into a recorder, along with having people administer practice tests to me. It does not help, of course, that few people I know actually live remotely close to my condo. If anyone has any ideas that I may have missed, or would be willing to help, please let me know.

As I sit here now writing, I find my motivation alarmingly low. I am tired, hungry and it is cold outside. If I were not running this afternoon, I would go home and crash out with my cat Farrah curled up next to me. I would wake up, go to house church, come home, watch the end of the IU game and fall asleep. In truth, most of those things will happen tonight, minus me taking a nap. Sometime around 5:00, a buddy of mine is coming by and we will go to the gym. There I will jump on the treadmill and run in place for a maddening length of time; well not that long really, I need to run only three miles. Still, I hate running on treadmills. I feel like a subject in a scientific experiment just running and running while the machines do periodic beeping as readings are being taken of me and entered into a computer. Worse yet, I have memorized all of the playlists on my iPhone, so I can always tell how much longer I need to run.

I knew that I would find myself in this place. A place that can best be described as comfortably apathetic. That is why one of the goals that I mentioned during the meeting was to rediscover my mental edge.

As a wrestler, it was important to be sharp mentally. You had to be able to endure six minutes or more, in some instances, of physical conflict. While technique and skill are essential, having the mental edge is no less important. I needed that mental edge when I trained for the half marathon that I ran a long time ago.

I have observed signs in the past couple of years that I have lost my edge. I almost failed to climb Mount Marcy. It was so cold, I was tired and the trip to the top of the mountain seemed unobtainable. With the help of my friends, I was able to push through, which is great, but I was alarmed at my lack of mental toughness.

I have done enough things like this to know that I will struggle and eventually experience a runner’s high or have a come to Jesus meeting with myself. Everything will go smoothly after that. For now though I will continue to feel rather sloth-like as the war between laziness and running rages on in my head.

I have run a half marathon before. I have been in several training classes in the past, so why am I taking on the challenge of running this race? In truth, it is a crappy race to run from a running perspective. The weather is usually hot and humid and the race course is overcrowded.

I am running this race through a program offered by my employer which is very cool. The only misgiving that I have is I do not like publicity about blind people running. Whether you can see or not, it is not that hard to put one foot in front of the other and run; there is nothing special about running. Even so, a lot of people who are blind have never ran in sighted races before and that is pretty awesome that my company provides that opportunity. If the message is quietly sent that blind people are just like everyone else that works too, I just do not like the stories that try pulling on heart strings or are cheesified.

My reasons for running the race are simple. For one, I want to be in really good shape again. I have major problems with shin splints and seem to somehow acquire nagging injuries, but I enjoy testing myself. Training will also help me drop some weight. I am not fat, but weighing less is always a good thing; got to work off the beer that I consume somehow. Finally, I want to run this race in preparation for a triathlon. Of course, making sure I can endure the rigors of mini training will let me know if a triathlon is possible. I am attracted to the triathlon because it involves training beyond running. I hate swimming; and swimming in a lake with a bunch of people will be challenging, but it is a challenge that I look forward to taking on. I love cycling and I feel like that will be my strongest stage of the race. Combining swimming, running and cycling, regardless of the length of the triathlon, means that you have to be in decent shape. It is also a new athletic challenge, something that I have never done before and I like the idea of stretching myself mentally and physically

Whether my body will hold up after years of wrestling, running, beep baseball, cycling and random hiking expeditions only time will tell. Perhaps more important is rediscovering the necessary mindset to push through fatigue and pain in order to cross the finish line. Both the Mini and a potential triathlon are challenges that I look forward to taking on. I wish anyone training for a half or full marathon, triathlon or other athletic endeavor the best of luck and may we all stay injury free!

This past weekend, I had a moment of epic despair and panic. I had a guy from the Indianapolis Triumph Club come out and take a look at my 1973 Spitfire. All things considered, the car is in good shape. He recommended that I do a couple of things to improve its marketability. Following up on these very good recommendations will cost me money; money that I need to fix my condo and pay down debt. Yet at the same time, I need the car to sell so I have more money. It is quite a conundrum. Plus, the thought of finding a trailer, someone who can help me load the car and take it somewhere to have work done kind of makes my stomach turn because that will be logistically challenging.

On Sunday, after IU turned in a really horrible performance at Ohio State, I walked around my condo thinking about the remaining work that needs to be done. There is not a lot left to do, finish installing ceiling fans, putting down a new entry way, painting the half bath and buying a new vanity. Accomplishing these tasks would bring me very close to putting my home on the market. I still would need to replace my glass sliding door and doing a little work to my patio would not hurt either. Maybe it was because the IU game agitated me, but I just felt kind of helpless and tired as I evaluated the list of things that still need fixing. So much for being rested I thought to myself.

As I lamented my situation, my cat Farrah wanted to go outside. It was freezing out, but being a cat owner who tries and fails to teach Farrah about making good choices, I let her out so she could experience the consequence of being in the cold. I sat down in my recliner and continued to be bummed out. Suddenly, I heard a scratching sound. It was Farrah wanting back inside. She had never done that before. I let her in and she happily joined me on the recliner.

It occurred to me that Farrah was ready to come in when she was ready. For her, it was the right time to scratch on the door and let me know that she wanted to come inside. As for me, maybe the best way for me to feel rested, instead of stressed, is to hold on to my timetable loosely. After all, God’s timing and mine rarely match up; but he knows what is better for me than I do. Besides, trying to be patient and live life fully as I try to gain freedom by selling my car and condo will allow me to dream about what I want to do next. Perhaps private practice? Maybe leaving Indianapolis? Or possibly this is the time when I will find success on an online dating site and fall in love. I have no idea how all of this will work out, but I am certain that eventually the car will sell along with my condo. In the meantime, there is a lot of life to live and I hope that my friends will remind me of that when I stumble and get caught up in timeframes, logistics and wrongly manufacturing my own scenario of how all of this should play itself out.

Notice that I did not say resolution, which is what people generally talk about around New Year’s. A resolution has no backbone to it; there is no aspect of empowerment, accountability or anyway to determine if a resolution is measurable. Goals, constructed in the right way, offer a more empowering approach to bring about change.

From a personal point of view, I have two major goals. First is to sell my 1973 convertible; and the other is to somehow sell my condo in a less than desirable real estate market. Accomplishing these goals gets me out of debt and a fresh start. Meeting these objectives would be really fantastic based on the debacle with my former tenants and finally put the final exclamation point on that disturbing chapter of my life.

It is my hope to list my car in January and to have the condo ready to go on the market in April. Whether either sells is a whole other question, but I am sure eventually both of these goals will be accomplished.

Also this month I plan to join match.com. Yes, once again I am entering the uncertain and often maddening world of internet dating. After much consideration, it really does seem like the best method to meet the type of woman that I am looking for. In the past, I have discontinued my online dating exploits after a bad date (see awkward end of the date handshake girl and the woman who thought I was more of an inspiration than a possible boyfriend), but this time I am committed to plug away for at least six months; enduring both the good and the bad that match.com may have to offer.

Another goal that I have in 2012 is to finally get my clinical licensure (LCSW). I have had little use for this license based on much of the work that I have done. Getting this license really does not benefit me personally in my current job, but it helps out my employer. Who knows, maybe they will pay me more once I have it. When I get my license, I will explore the possibility of doing private practice on the side. Eventually, if I were fortunate enough, I would be able to have my own practice on a fulltime basis, which would be really cool. I am not concerned if going into private practice works out, I have other options that I will eventually explore if I find no way to move up at my current employer. I have no interest in staying in my current position for more than another year or two at best.

A final major goal is one that I have every year; and that is to continue to grow spiritually. In 2011, spiritual growth was tough but I had a great advent season and feel more plugged in than I have in several months. The problem with a spiritual goal is that it is hard to measure; still it is worthy of mention and something that I am intent on pursuing.

As I have thought about the goals that I have for 2012, I cannot help but consider how blessed I was last year. So many people played a role in allowing me to live as well as possible in Fountain Square, supporting me with shelter, food, friendship and rides; while other friends helped me begin the process of repairing my condo. To all of you again I say thank you!

Finally, I hope everyone who takes the time to read my blog has a year that exceeds your expectations in 2012; a belated Happy New Year to each of you!

It all started around 10:00. I was getting ready for bed when it occurred to me that Farrah, my cat was still outside. I grudgingly went downstairs and opened the door, paying careful attention to the lock as I did not have my keys. I closed the door softly not fully letting it go shut. I took the first step down on to my porch when I heard a click. In truth the sound of the door locking behind me was barely audible, but to me it sounded like the door of a jail cell slamming shut.

Oh man! This sucks, I said to the only other living thing outside after 10:00 at night with a temperature around 30 degrees, and of course I am referring to my cat, Farrah.

Farrah ran up to me and then did a 180 as I heard her run away and then cut to the right across the driveway. I turned and twisted the door knob hoping it was a mistake. The door did not budge.

I walked over to my garage door and for some reason tried opening it even though I knew I could not lift it since it was operated by my garage door opener. I then walked around the side of my condo to the patio. I grabbed the glass sliding door and pulled. It gave a little bit. I continued pushing and pulling on the sliding door trying to get the lock to give. No luck.

Dejected I walked through my small yard on to the road and looped around to my driveway. I walked back up toward my condo, stopping several feet away as I looked up at my unlocked window. Is there a way to climb up there somehow? I had no ladder and it would be foolish to shimmy up the wooden post on my porch.

I began to shiver. I stuffed my hands in my jeans pockets to keep my fingers from freezing. A blind guy with frost bitten fingers is not very functional reading braille you know. I noticed that my t-shirt that I had on under my sweater was not tucked in and I thought to myself that not only was I locked out, but I looked like an idiot.

Farrah continued running around in the yard apparently having a blast. I began pacing up and down the driveway. Maybe I could walk to Kroger or Buffalo Wild Wings. Maybe a waitress would feel sorry for me when she heard my story and give me a free beer. Besides, I made the walk home from there once without a cane when the one I had broke. I decided that I would use this as my last option, especially since it would be a treacherous walk.

There was nobody outside; not one old woman walking her dog. You would think of all the hundreds of dogs that seem to live around here one of them would want to go outside before settling down for the night. I opted to walk out in the road in case a car drove through which would allow me to easily wave them down. I could hear the traffic on the busy road that went past my condo, but nobody turned in.

I started walking but quickly discovered that without my cane it was impossible for me to distinguish the road from a driveway as there is no tactile means of identifying between the two. As a result, I found myself kind of lost.

Slowly, I wandered around in a circle until I heard a humming noise. My friend Beth had once shown me this electrical box which I could use as an audio cue as part of a shortcut to get to the road. Giving thanks, I made my way back to my driveway, relieved that there would not be a news report about a blind guy frozen to death in a quiet unassuming condo community on the north side of Indianapolis.

Farrah came cruising past me again. Well at least one of us is having fun. Damn cat, I muttered to myself.

Well I had no choice now but to start knocking on doors. I walked up to a neighbor’s door and tried looking for the doorbell. I could not find it. Who doesn’t have a doorbell in this day and age! I tried opening the storm door but it was locked.

Frustrated, I missed the first step down off the porch and caught myself before falling. Now I was getting angry.

I knocked on another door. I heard movement inside. I knocked again. More movement but nobody came to the door. I wondered if they thought I was trying to rob them.

Eventually I turned and walked away. Farrah came running past again. A door opened and a female voice said, Are you looking for your cat?

No, I locked myself out. She came outside and told me that Farrah was nearby and that she would help me. She guided me over to another neighbor’s house who had a light on. She wanted to get me inside as she said that I was all red. My other neighbor opened the door and invited us in. We chatted and they called around looking for a locksmith. I borrowed his phone and tried calling a friend who had a key, but they did not answer. Finally we got hold of a locksmith who said that they accepted credit cards.

As we waited we had the chance to learn about one another. We are all single; she is a teacher, my other neighbor a sales rep and I am a social worker. We talked about the neighborhood and how it was nice to meet one another. We were amused at how we are all professionals who are underpaid.

The teacher left and my other neighbor offered me a beer. We watched Leno interviewing this really hot woman named Sophia something or other. How do you know she is hot? Well that’s easy, I started to say as the locksmith pulled up.

We went outside and the locksmith, who looked a lot like Boss Hog, from the Dukes of Hazard, failed to get my door opened. That’s a good lock there, he said, but don’t give up hope. He popped a credit card out of his pocket and soon the door swung open. Use your dead bolt in the future, he cautioned me. Farrah almost knocked me down getting inside she was so excited. You take credit cards right? Yeah, but the card reader is broke. Only cash. Ironic, I thought to myself. My neighbor agreed to take me to the ATM, so I went inside to retrieve my wallet and keys.

I found my wallet and started down the stairs when I realized that I had forgotten my keys. I finally made it outside and the locksmith followed us to the bank. The cost to unlock my door was $75. I gave the man $80 and of course he did not have $5 in change. Oh well, at least I made it home in this long, strange adventure had a happy ending. I guess the only bright side is that I got to know my neighbors a little better and I was reminded that it is always a good idea to hide an extra key somewhere around your house.

After work I went out to dinner with my cousin and uncle. It was a good time and one of my cousin’s friends dropped by and had a drink with us. Thanksgiving was good; I made a ham from a family recipe on the grill, and dinner at my twin sister’s house was outstanding. I then went home and felt really lonely. I could have went to a friend’s house, but my ride back from the south side was very focused on getting me home as quickly as possible.

I would love to have gone with a friend to a movie or play cards. Instead Farrah my cat and I settled down for some post meal hibernation. I woke up and watched part of a college basketball game, the Cowboys and ‘9ers games, the news and four episodes of Friends. Finally I fell asleep.

On Friday I went and got a sports massage and was supposed to meet a friend at Buffalo Wild Wings. My friend cancelled and I sat at the bar alone. A young fresh into the dating scene couple sat by me causing me to simultaneously feel envious and throw up with disgust. I went home and thought that everyone is out doing something and I have nothing to do. I had no money to take a cab anywhere and nobody was around on my side of town.

Yes, it is true; I am left with the loneliness of changing family dynamics and being single. Both are real and instead of lamenting these things, it seemed better to me to just embrace the fact that life is what it is; as these issues are not responsible for how much good cheer I express or participate in during the holiday season.

On Saturday I realized that I needed a few things from the store that could not wait. I had hoped to have someone take me but my ride fell through. I dreaded the fact that I was going to now have to go to Wal-Mart. I called a cab which showed up remarkably fast. My mind drifted to Christmas shopping and how logistically challenging that activity is for me; and I reminded myself to call my friend who is wonderful to go shopping with to see if she could take me sometime soon.

The cab pulled up at Wal-Mart. I was agitated because this is the worst Wal-Mart in the city and people are stupid on this holiday weekend. Besides, I had just heard about violence erupting at a Wal-Mart. Right or wrong, sometimes life really does make stereotypes seem true.

I get out of the cab and I could sense that a large sign was right in front of me. The cab driver did not offer to tell me where I was in proximity to the door so I listened for a second and started angling my way to the entryway.

They just let you run into walls!!!!!!

What?

Yeah, those cab and bus people just drop people like you off and let you run into walls!!

But I did not run into ….

Before I finished my protest a very friendly and emphatic African American woman locked her arm around mine and pushed me forward into the store. I smiled to myself because I knew one thing; I was going to be taken care of on this shopping trip, even if I did not run into anything.

She paraded me up to her supervisor and said:

They just let him run into walls; they don’t care!

Her boss told her to take me to customer service. One of her friends came up and soon I was transferred to Margaret, who did an awesome job taking me around the store. She even reviewed prices of different brands with me, which is rare for most people who help me shop. As we walked we encountered the lady that brought me into the store two more times. Each time she would proclaim to whoever was around:

They just let him run into walls!!! That’s just horrible!!

Now I just smiled.

As I waited outside in the April like air, pondering the in congruency of the weather for the time of year, it occurred to me that the best thing that I can do is simply enjoy the company of others; whether they can do sighted guide correctly or not, or be truthful about something does not matter. I began to laugh which I am sure made me appear rather strange, unfortunately that caused me to laugh all the more.

So after two blog posts, a lot of praying and thinking, I have simplified my goals for the holidays down to two simple things. To do daily Advent readings so I can intentionally engage the season spiritually; and spend time with family, friends and strangers. Those things I have control of and if I focus on other concerns they serve as nothing but a distraction into what many would say is the “most wonderful time of the year.”

The holiday seasons have grown to become one of my least favorite times of the year. Don’t get me wrong, I am all about celebrating with others, reflecting about the year that is soon to pass along with finding myself in awe of the birth of Jesus and how the baby born in Bethlehem ushered in God’s ultimate plan of redemption. For me, it is just hard to feel the joy that I used to have once Thanksgiving appears on the calendar.

It is no surprise that I feel this way. I have written before about how losing both of my parents leaves a void during this time of year. Things just are not, and never will be the same. I still celebrate with family, whether blood relation or friends, but I have never been able to start any new traditions or add anything new to this season of good tidings and cheer. As a result, the holidays are just ok, they are not great or bad, and it is just a few weeks on the calendar that I go through before waking up in a new year.

You know, I think it is the emptiness that I hate, or maybe it is better described as a lack of something that should be present. This absence is not necessarily my parents, although their presence certainly would be a game changer, at best that can only be part of this void that I feel. In other words, I cannot fully put my finger on what I want to say, which is frustrating, and kind of gives me a complex, as someone who hopes one day to be more than just a serviceable writer.

I have a goal not to over analyze myself during this holiday season. I have commissioned myself to view the time from September through the end of 2011 as a time of rest; which means no mental heavy lifting!

Even so, I am tired of feeling this way each time the holidays roll around; I recognize that I need to do something different this year. How do I increase the joy factor during Thanksgiving and Christmas? I guess a simple answer is to make the most of my time with family and friends. I should take every opportunity to celebrate with others. Certainly giving is a part of the equation, but beyond that I am not sure. I mean I have always tried doing all of those things anyway. Sometimes I am better at living well into this season than at other times, but that is true for everyone.

Perhaps this is a time for me to sit back and simply ask God if there is something that he wants to show me. After all, we can busy ourselves with all kinds of things and be empty spiritually. Beyond taking some specific time to be aware of something God might be trying to reveal to me, I think the only other thing that I need to do is be open to opportunity.

So that is my game plan as I attempt to create a more joyous holiday season for myself. In truth, I have no doubt that it will happen and I look forward to sharing my experiences with you. Even though it is still a few days early, I would like to wish everyone who takes the time to read my blog a happy holiday season and I thank you for your support.

Last summer I was excited to have won a season ticket in Area 55. I have loved the Blue and Gold since I was 8 years old. I saw my first game in April of my 2nd grade year in school. I went with my mom and dad to watch the Pacers lose in overtime to the Cleveland Cavaliers. That was the first of many games both at Market Square Arena and later Conseco Field House. Anyone who knows me will acknowledge that I am a serious Pacer fan and that I proudly wear team gear and will happily talk Pacer basketball with anyone at any time.

Unfortunately an unnecessary stalemate has developed between the players and owners during this last ditch effort to save the 2011/12 season. Today the players rejected the owners’ offer and plan to decertify the union. Do they honestly think that they will get a better deal? Stephen A. Smith reported that the Pacers are one of ten teams who actually were pushing for a worse deal where the players would get 47% of BRI instead of 50%. The owners will ultimately win this battle and the players will lose. Holding out only benefits the few players that ESPN drools after like Paul Pierce, Dwyane Wade, Carmelo Anthony and LeBron James, while not accepting this offer will have a negative impact on Josh McRoberts, for example. Well probably not Josh, he did graduate from Duke so one would assume he actually knows how to add and subtract and is able to manage money. Still you get my point. Danny Granger’s efforts to help Fieldhouse employees who need the NBA season to make money are noble, but are an ultimately meaningless gesture. Sure it is not the players’ responsibility to care about the person who runs the concession stand, but holding out for a likely worse deal is ridiculous and negatively impacts everyone.

Perhaps the worst thing is that the NBA was enjoying a resurgence in popularity. The playoffs were fantastic last year and locally, the Pacers were relevant again. TV ratings went up and basketball mattered in Indiana during April for the first time in many years. The league and its players had the chance to build on the positive momentum of last season in 2011/12; and now they have squandered that chance. Do you suppose the American public, still battling high unemployment and inflation, are going to relate to the plight of the players and owners? Who is to blame if a player is overpaid like Rashard Lewis? Ultimately the NFL and its players decisively and collaboratively dealt with their labor situation; and everyone always thought that football players were not as smart as basketball players. The fact that millionaires and other millionaires cannot figure things out is going to leave the NBA and its fans without a season; meanwhile the NFL dealt with their labor issues and continues to enjoy unparalleled popularity.

It’s sad really. The Pacers were going to be well under the salary cap and have the opportunity to add more pieces to a team that was coming together. I was looking forward to getting crazy in Area 55 and cheering Roy Hibert and the Blue and Gold into the playoffs where they would hopefully make an exciting run to the Eastern Conference finals. Instead, I will have a lot of time on my hands which will not help the agitation and disconnect that I feel as it relates to both the NBA owners and players unwillingness to get a deal done.

I am not real sure if I am just frustrated and venting, or if I will call and cancel the extra season ticket that I purchased and give back the ticket that I won. What I am sure of is that I would like to leave both the owners and players with this reminder: it took baseball almost a decade to recover from their labor strife back in the 1990’s; and the NHL struggled after cancelling a season a few years ago. Both sides are more idiotic than I thought if they do not expect a much deserved backlash from NBA fans. Of course they really do not care about the fans, unless we take a stand for once and stay away all together which we all know sadly will not happen

I have put on hold trying to work any further on my condo until 2012. I have decided to stop thinking and plotting and just sit with the idea of returning to school. I do my job, go home, and hit the gym three or four times a week and just rest. I go to house church and contribute but have no responsibility of leading anything. Outside of wishing that I could figure out an easy way of seeing some friends around town, I am living the perfect scenario to take into the holiday season.

Making things even better for me is that at least for the moment, I am not experiencing any ongoing transportation challenges. When these rare seasons happen, you just stop and enjoy it because odds are it will not last. At home I find myself rebuilding my iTunes library as I lost a ton of music when I copied songs to a new library. While not yet doing it as consistently as I would like, I have started a detailed study of the Psalms. The only unfortunate thing is that life is pretty lonely on this side of town. I have very few friends who live up here now. It is strange to think that when I first moved up here I got to know a large number of people who lived nearby. I kind of feel like someone who has outstayed their welcome, but I know that that is just a feeling and things will change once my condo goes on the market. I guess the only real thing I am thinking about doing is leaving WordPress because I no longer like how you post blogs on their regular site. I am forced to use the mobile site and that agitates me. Oh well, I guess I will deal with that issue in another week or so. For now though, it is time to live in the moment and rest.